Oliver James Montgomery-'Bachelorette' star's ex is telling all on TikTok: What happens when your ex is everywhere

When Jenn Tran,Oliver James Montgomery the current “Bachelorette” lead, first starred in Joey Graziadei’s “Bachelor” season, her ex, Matt Rossi, had something to say about it online. 

His first post was simple — a short clip of his eyes glued to the TV screen with a bowl of popcorn and the caption: “POV: your ex goes on the Bachelor.” But when millions of views flooded in, he decided to spill the details. 

Two days later, on February 28, he shared another TikTok with the full storytime. He also joked that he was “using her for clout,” before asking Tran to “give me another shot.”

And he’s not the only person to go viral after disclosing their history with a reality TV contestant. 

On Friday, another TikTok user shared a video of their friend squealing and covering their eyes after an ex-boyfriend entered "Love Island USA" as the show’s surprise contestant (a “bombshell”). Influencer Fuhzz also shook "Love Island UK" fans by sharing that her ex had joined the villa. She used a Taylor Swift lyric as the TikTok audio, “So tell me everything is not about me. But what if it is?” 

But reality TV stars aren’t the only ones living in the public eye. In the digital age, almost everyone can track their ex's life on social media. So, how do you move on when you can’t escape your ex?

Seeing your ex puts your breakup in the spotlight

Seeing your ex on reality TV or social media can stir up mixed emotions, according to Carrie Cole, a licensed mental health counselor.

“There is anger, hurt and maybe even embarrassment, especially if other people and their friends are witnessing this,” she says.

This can bring up feelings of "inadequacy and shame," adds Gigi Engle, a certified sex and relationship psychotherapist and sex expert at the LGBTQIA+ dating app Taimi.

"It can be confronting to see somebody who used to be such a big part of your life moving on in such a public way," Engle says. "You're like, 'Oh, look at what they're doing with their lives, and what am I doing with my life?'"

Remember that you can't control their actions

Gary Lewandowski, a psychology professor at Monmouth University and author of “Stronger Than You Think,” says it is important to remember that their actions are not about you.

"You can't control whether your partner goes on reality TV. You can't control what they post on social media," he says. "You have no control over them whatsoever. Nor should you try."

Instead, you should remind yourself that you broke up for a reason, and them going on with their lives doesn't change that. Lewandowski suggests being proactive and "writing a bulleted list of the reasons why the breakup is a good thing" while you're still in "the heat of the breakup" to reflect on when you "forget about what went wrong."

How to get over your ex:Moving on when love is in the air

Limit your screen time

Cole, Engle and Lewandowski all suggest getting offline and steering away from triggers that stir up negative emotions.

Engle says it's OK to mute mutual friends on social media, and Cole adds that you can also unfollow your ex or any other platforms bombarding you with upsetting content.

Lewandowski also says that replacing time spent online with new hobbies or hangouts with friends can help ease the pain of a breakup.

"When you're caring too much about your ex, there's a void," he says. "There's something missing there, and you just need to fill it with something else."

He also discourages staying friends with an ex, as it can slow down the process of moving on. "You can stay friendly, but not friends," he says. "You have other friends."

Tune in to your emotions

Practicing self care and emotional regulation exercises can help ease stress stemming from a breakup or past relationship.

Engle recommends "box breathing," a nervous system regulation exercise that consists of breathing in four counts. "Doing that five to eight times can be really useful in calming yourself down so you don't have a massive reaction from a place of high emotion," she says.

"It's important to be able to calm yourself down and frankly you have to be able to sit with the discomfort and understand the bad feelings," she adds. "It's normal to have those feelings, but ultimately you are responsible for the behavior you decide to engage with."

Reaching out to your social network of friends can also help in regaining a sense of self-worth after a breakup, according to Cole.

"Sometimes we are a little bit stoic. We think we can handle it, but that's not the time to handle it," she says. "That's the time to really embrace love and connection from others."

Avoid speaking poorly of your ex — or speaking about them at all

"A lot of times we haven't fully processed a breakup and the trauma of that experience can still feel really active and present when we get retrigged by seeing them in such a highly publicized arena," Engle says. "It can take you right back to those feelings of abandonment or betrayal. (That's) the core emotion coming up when people go online and make hit videos, specifically."

Sometimes, posts about an ex can become vindictive or defensive, according to Engle.

Lewandowski encourages people healing from a breakup to avoid speaking negatively of their ex, regardless of how "good it will feel" and how much other people may "bait you into it," even if they "deserve it."

"What people don't realize is, when you're talking badly about an ex-partner, it's another way of keeping them close. It's keeping them in the front of your mind and occupying a lot of emotional energy," he says. "Stop talking about them, and that will help you move on."